When I opened my eyes this morning, I was on my own...again.
He left in the middle of the night while everyone was sleeping. I don't know if this makes it easier - any time is hard - but there was no moping about all day; no long drawn out goodbyes, and I hate the goodbye bit. We woke up and he was gone.
I had that split second of calm before reality crashed in. Just as gloom clouds were gathering, the nine year old popped his head round the bedroom door and asked if I was OK.
'I'm fine sweetheart.' And I will be. Fine. I don't want them to see me down. I know that how I'm coping affects them. I want everything to feel as normal as possible.
Then the youngest came in and practically dragged me out of bed to look at a big black and white cat in the garden. Life goes on. Kids are great dwelling deterrents.
We had a fantastic two weeks with him, but things don't click straight back into place; it's always a little bumpy at the start. Just takes a while to get into the swing of being together again - no matter how desperately you've been looking forward to it (or dreaming of handing over the kids and heading for the hills....) For months he's been concentrating 100% on work and I've been running the show back here, so we both have to find a comfortable in-between place. As usual we found it - and then he had to leave.
Anyway my plan is to run round the horrible old 'pit of despair' so fast, there's no chance of me falling in. Busy is good. And saturday mornings are always hectic - never thought I'd actually be grateful for that.
If the kids let me, I'm going to spend some time in the neglected garden later. I always find a bit of digging and chopping helps.
But looking a little further ahead, I'm going to add to the list of things I planned to do during the last 5 months, but never quite got round to. It's an opportunity to set fresh goals. Well, that's how I'm looking at it.
So I'm going to do more running and kettlercising; I'm going to see if I've got what it takes to do some radio work; I am going to take more photos and try to write some poetry; I'm going to go camping with the kids...and maybe further afield in the summer holidays.
OK, so it mightn't all happen, but these thoughts are helping at the moment. Because it's rubbish when he goes.
