I know it's been a glorious, sunny, hopeful day - but I'm not feeling it. I feel rubbish. It just happens sometimes. Afghanistan is back in the headlines, my husband's been away for nearly 4 months and my dad is still in hospital. I can't call or see either of them.
I probably need a break from the kids and I'm quite sure they need a break from me. How do you 'let it all out' when you're on your own? Every so often things bubble up inside and make me anxious. Trying to deal with this alone can be so bloody tiring.
I thought having a good old private yell might help? A quick fix. So I stepped over the piles of toys, shoes and children and walked outside into the sunshine.
I didn't scream. It didn't feel right. A silent one instead and some slow, deep breaths. It doesn't make my worries go away, but there's more room for them outside, more chance of diluting them maybe?
No gardening today, I wasn't in the mood - I decided to burn things instead. There is something deeply satisfying about a fire. Watching a haystack of garden debris turn into a small pile of ash.
Little buds of optimism.
But today I was with the old, brittle brown, crispy leaves on the hornbeam hedge; the ones that have hung on in there through the winter. They've seen it all and done it all - they know what the shiny new leaves are in for.
Honestly, I'm not normally this gloomy. I promise I won't make a habit of it. I am a glass half full person - just seem to have knocked it over today.