Day 112 - Letting off steam

I know it's been a glorious, sunny, hopeful day - but I'm not feeling it.  I feel rubbish. It just happens sometimes. Afghanistan is back in the headlines, my husband's been away for nearly 4 months and my dad is still in hospital.  I can't call or see either of them.
I probably need a break from the kids and I'm quite sure they need a break from me. How do you 'let it all out' when you're on your own?  Every so often things bubble up inside and make me anxious. Trying to deal with this alone can be so bloody tiring.

I thought having a good old private yell might help?  A quick fix. So I stepped over the piles of toys, shoes and children and walked outside into the sunshine.
I didn't scream.  It didn't feel right. A silent one instead and some slow, deep breaths.  It doesn't make my worries go away, but there's more room for them outside, more chance of diluting them maybe?

No gardening today, I wasn't in the mood - I decided to burn things instead.  There is something deeply satisfying about a fire.  Watching a haystack of garden debris turn into a small pile of ash.

Looking around, I could see the bright green buds on the trees, starting to open and unfurl a perfect, unspoilt leaf.
Little buds of optimism.
But today I was with the old, brittle brown, crispy leaves on the hornbeam hedge; the ones that have hung on in there through the winter. They've seen it all and done it all - they know what the shiny new leaves are in for.


Honestly, I'm not normally this gloomy. I promise I won't make a habit of it.  I am a glass half full person - just seem to have knocked it over today.

Day 108 - Afghanistan

My heart goes out to the families of the six soldiers who died yesterday.  It is the most desperately sad news and a cruel reminder of the sacrifices our forces continue to make in Afghanistan.  Such a tragic lose of life brings all of this back into sharp focus. And while our resolve might waver again back home, I know, from many conversations with my husband, that this isn't an option for the troops out there. They have to pick up and keep going.  Often losing friends makes them more determined to do the job. How they deal with the grief is beyond me.
I keep thinking about the wives, partners and parents getting that knock on the door that makes their world fall apart.  And telling the children.  I can't imagine. 
They are in my thoughts and prayers.

Twelve pound Charity Challenge - done and dusted!

Amazingly it hasn't been that bad!  
Living off £12 for a week sounds mad, but we've done it, 
and it really has made me stop and think.


I had got into the habit of last minute meals.  It would get to 4 o'clock:  
"What's for tea mummy?"
"..ermmm, something lovely..!" [hopefully opens fridge door]
But last week I was one step ahead - and it felt good.  So more planning needed I think!  I'm going to try to go shopping with a proper list, avoid going when I'm hungry, which is lethal - and  think more carefully about what I put in my trolley.


The kids were running out of steam by the weekend.  The grumbling had definitely kicked in.  When they get bored they ask for food, so I took them cycling in the Forest of Dean to distract them, with the added bonus that it wore them out!  
Yesterday we had pasta with the last of the chicken in a creamy sauce (butter, flour, splash of milk, water and half a stock cube, taste of mustard and a spoonful of cream cheese) which I'd frozen - and baked beans and cider bread for tea.  The last of the muffins too.


I know I have more planning and cooking time on my hands because I'm not working, but a part from the bread and pizza dough, nothing I made last week took longer than 10 minutes to prepare.  I am an impatient cook!


The small amount of fruit and veg has been a struggle; still we scrapped through and it's fired up my enthusiasm to grow our own.
On the plus side, the kids are drinking water and have stopped asking for juice,
I got them to eat soup and my fussy eater ate potatoes (even if he didn't know it!),
there haven't been any biscuits or crisps in the house (sadly temporary - 1 against 3),  
I rediscovered muffins and would have faced a mutiny without them,
cider bread! - who'd have thought it?
I actually quite like cream crackers.


Last, but definitely not least, there's a cheque in the post for the Rifles "Care for Casualties" Appeal.  And you know what, I'd do it again!

Cider bread? Really? - Charity Challenge DAY 6

Having next to no food in the house is bringing out my creative (desperate?) side.  I need to think a lot harder to stretch my Charity Challenge supplies and keep everyone happy. 
I had a rummage through some of my favourite old recipes and found this one, which is a cracker!

Guinness and Irish Cheddar easy loaf

250ml Guinness

350g self raising flour, sifted

60g caster sugar

100g strong Irish cheddar, grated

2 tbsp pumpkin seeds (optional)

2 tbsp butter, melted

(180 degrees C, gas mark 4)

Now, I have no Guinness, no cheddar of any nationality and no pumpkin seeds.  But I do have half a bottle of cider that's been in the fridge for ages.  

So I have an idea.  

  

It is the easiest recipe. You just mix everything together (a part from the melted butter) Spoon the dough into a buttered loaf or 8" round tin - and leave in a warm place for 30 minutes. No kneading needed. 
All that's in mine is cider, self-raising flour and sugar.....

Bake for 35 mins, then drizzle the butter over the top and pop it back in the oven for another 10 mins, until it sounds hollow when you tap it.

I think the cider was probably a bit flat, but the bread is surprisingly good.  It's quite sweet, but some cheese would probably balance that out.  

We finished off the other large loaf at lunch time with child-friendly lentil soup (no chilli powder!)  I'd sliced the bread into toaster-size pieces and put them in a bag in the freezer.

Two homemade mozarella pizzas and a garlic invention for tea - voted the best meal yet!

Must try and make them more often.

Just a day to go....and a tin of baked beans in the cupboard...   

Magic Muffins! - Charity Challenge DAY 5

They are magic!  Well, they certainly have been this week.  Muffins not only filled a space in the lunch boxes, they also filled that tricky gap between the end of school and the evening meal.  
The children are always starving when they get home and head straight for the biscuit tin.  It's a fine balance - giving them enough to restore household harmony without spoiling their appetite for tea! 
This week there haven't been any biscuits in the house.  Instead the kids have had a muffin and I've made sure we eat a little earlier.  They're all hungry by teatime which is perfect.  Even my fussy eater has finished meals he'd usually play with. 


So muffins have been my Charity Challenge saviour!

They're so versatile and you can fiddle about with a basic recipe as much as you like - I always do.  This is the one I use, but there are loads out there.


260g plain flour
2 teaspoons baking powder
1/2 teaspoon bicarbonate of soda
1/2 salt
110g sugar (a little more or less is fine)
1 egg
240ml milk
90ml of vegetable oil 
190-200 degrees C for 25 mins

For the peach muffins, I used half a tin of peaches, chopped up, and half the light syrup - so reduced the milk to 150ml.  
I think you could put more fruit and juice in, but my supplies were limited this week. I watered down the milk for the same reason - and they still tasted good!  


I put three large grated carrots (300g would be best) in the other batch, 100ml of water instead of milk and added some cinnamon, vanilla essence and a tablespoon of honey.   
Sift the dry ingredients together, mix everything else including the egg in a measuring jug and pour the wet mixture in the bowl.

Top tip is not to over beat the batter, just 10 seconds then into the cases and into the oven. 
I didn't use proper muffin cases, just the smaller cupcake ones to make it go further.


I got distracted yesterday, so here's a quick run down of what we had.
  
I made a sauce with the two tins of tomatoes, the large onion and a rather soft garlic clove I found in the cupboard.  Pepped it up with a splash of vinegar, spoonful of sugar, a squirt of tomato ketchup and some grated carrot. (yes, those carrots keep on comin'!)
We had it with pasta and there's plenty of sauce left for tomorrow's pizza. 




Tonight we're having an almost spanish omelette.  I'm using the five eggs I've got left, a teaspoon of mustard, fried potato and a small handful of frozen peas (a slight bending of the rules, but It was either that or more carrots!)  


And guess what's for pudding?!

         

'..We will remember them..' Charity Challenge DAY 4

I hope he got my parcel today, because it's his birthday.  Not that birthdays or christmas are much different from any other day out there, but I know he loves getting the kids homemade cards and letters. I can see him smiling as he opens them. 
That's all I can see though. I can't imagine what life is like for him, I can't picture it. There's too much of a gulf between his reality and mine. 

I find it hard to write about his last tour of Afghanistan in 2009.  76 british soldiers lost their lives that summer and hundreds were injured.  There was so much sadness and it was the longest 6 months of my life.
The media coverage was relentless because of the rising death toll: reports from the frontline as the troops forced the Taliban out of southern Helmand, heartbreaking scenes from Wootton Bassett and debates about whether british soldiers should be there at all.  There was no escape from the news and the anxiety wore me down.  It was almost as if I couldn't breathe properly and I found I was sleep-walking through the daily routine.   I thought constantly about the families who had lost loved ones and worried about my husband.  
I remember thinking about the sense of detachment I'd felt as a journalist, when I'd reported on casualties in other conflicts: now I was on the flip side of the story and it was so incredibly hard. 
I also remember feeling frustrated, listening to radio phone-ins about the rights and wrongs of british troops being in Afghanistan.  It seemed pretty pointless to me, because what ever your view, there was no going back. They were there, doing the job our politicians had sent them to do, and what they needed more than anything was to know we supported them back home.  

I used to come down in the morning and make myself turn on the radio, praying Afghanistan wasn't top of the bulletin.  Now, thankfully, almost three years on, it's not dominating the news so much, but our soldiers are still there, risking their lives.  
That's why I wanted to support the Rifles 'Care for Casualties' Appeal this week, because I feel it's so important we never forget the sacrifices they have made.

I'd be one of the first to admit that being married to a soldier isn't easy; it's much more than a job, it is a way of life.  Over the years I have struggled with many aspects of being an army wife, like the uncertainty, moving, living a part - but above all else, I am immensely proud of him.  More than I could ever say.

Happy birthday sweetheart.