Day 363 - Farewell for now...

I've been feeling all over the place this past week - tired, excited, sensitive, impatient, relieved - a familiar old cocktail, as the final days of the Tour tick by. It really doesn't take much to set me off either - Remembrance Day was a given, I blubbed through bits of Children in Need, but it can be anything as random as a late-night documentary about the Bee Gees...yeah, it's a Tragedy, I have no emotional filter at the moment. I've also eaten my own bodyweight in chocolate.

My tolerence level has tailed off too, though that's been happening for a while, slowly eroded through the year. I have joked (half serious) that if anything was going to tip me over the edge, it wouldn't be major, but something pathetically trivial, like a hand towel, or clothes on the floor, or not shutting a door... As mad as that sounds it's the drip, drip effect of living with three little people who know exactly how to do all the things I ask them to do EVERY DAY - but simply choose not to bother. Crushing frustration would have done for me in the end!

But here I am on day 363 - can you believe it? Honestly I can't sometimes. When I look back at my day one post I remember so clearly how I felt - the heaviness, the feeling of responsibility, the loneliness, the worry. And my heart goes out to the wife who's husband takes over from mine, and all the families waiting for their loved ones to come home from Afghanistan.

As much as I'm longing for him to be back, it's a little daunting too. I've been running the show for 12 months and though I'm desperate to share the load, it's harder to let go than you might think.  I want more than anything for it to be perfect when he gets home, but know from experience I can be a little prickly... Emotions are close to the surface - all it takes is an innocent comment about the kids table manners or tv habits or something like that, and out it tumbles. I can take stuff the wrong way - as a criticism of how I've been doing things.  I'm writing this down in the hope I'll remember and stop myself over-reacting, because I know, just as I'm proud of him, he also has enormous respect for what I've been through.
Life is not on an even keel for either of us. And I have to bear in mind how hard it is for him coming back into my space and being a dad again. It will take time for us both to find our level and work as a team. I know that.

And then there's blogging. I hadn't a clue what I was doing at the beginning - like many things in my life I started with loads of enthusiasm and not a great deal of knowledge. I didn't tell a soul about it for a few months. I thought I'd blog about how I was feeling, and I do sometimes, but on the whole I write about other things now, other interests, because that's what I want to do, and I've actually found this distracts me from thinking about how I'm feeling. It's stopped me dwelling so much.

Through the ups and downs blogging has given me a focus. Something that's mine. There have been times, very late at night when I've wondered what on earth I'm doing, but then I sit back and remind myself of the things I have achieved this year.  Like the art exhibition and selling some paintings for the first time; writing again and enjoying it; getting my 2 minute silence poem on the Forces Poetry website; rediscovering my love of crafting and discovering a new love for photography. These are all really positive things, things that wouldn't have happened without the blog. And getting one of my crafty posts featured on Mumsnet recently was the icing on the cake.

But the best bit has been you. Thanks so much for stopping by. And it does make me feel a little emotional writing this, because I had no idea how much the social side of blogging would mean to me 12 months ago. I remember reading posts about 'spreading the blogging love' when I first started and thinking, WHAT?? But I get it now, comments do make the blogosphere go round.  I have met some wonderful, talented people this year, and I am so grateful to them for their support and friendship. They've helped me through a few dips along the way, and I just want to say the biggest, most heartfelt THANK YOU. I am so glad our paths have crossed.
Told you I'm a mushy old fool at the moment!

I'm going to take a break from blogging while we get back into the swing of family life. And if I keep going I'll also have to come up with a new name, because I won't be Single Married Mum anymore.

So, farewell for now, take care, and hope to see you soon xxx

Day 361 - Behind every picture...

Catching falling leaves and squelching through muddy puddles; a tree-covered hillside peppered with russets, reds and golds...

WISH I had my camera!

I've thought that more than once over the last month or so (my phone one is useless)

There really are the most spectacular photos, just waiting to be taken at this time of year. I don't always catch what I see, but on a bright day when the low sun brings out the richness of the autumn colours, I want to try.

It's as if the landscape has been perfectly lit for a shoot, and Mother Nature's saying, 'LOOK!' 

And that's a wise idea seeing as these glorious days can be few and far between. Probably makes us appreciate them more though. Autumn is such a rollercoaster of a season.

I was so glad I remembered my camera for our trip to beautiful Dore Abbey which isn't far from us.

Funny how I've never really noticed the large tree right next to the Abbey - hard to miss now, glowing among the ancient gravestones. So peaceful...

Dore Abbey

...though no time to enjoy the peace, because you see the shadows by the porch? My little lovelies were there having a great time, squealing and bouncing up and down on the springy wheelchair ramp. And that's what I remember when I look at these. Isn't it often the way?

But the photos I've taken this autumn have a deeper meaning too - they'll always remind me of the countdown to my husband coming home. They'll remind me of the emotion, relief, pride and total joy I feel now, knowing our year apart is almost up, and that we've all got through it, safe and sound.

The mist is lifting. Finally. No more limbo or life on hold.

The start of a new exciting chapter.

I'm linking up with Older Mum (in a muddle)'s wonderful One Week project - catching a flavour of autumn '12 in words and pictures

Easy Paper Houses

If you've got any colouring-in keenies, then these could be just the thing! They look lovely and are really quick and easy to make.

All you need is a sheet of paper, glue or sticky tape and a ruler. I used thickish coloured paper, but whatever you've got will do.

First, fold the sheet of paper in half lengthways.

Open again and fold in both outside edges, so they meet in the middle on the crease line.

Open again, turn, and fold both the top and bottom ends this time - so they measure the same as the lengthways folds you've just done.
I found the best way to do this, was to measure a lengthways one, then hold the ruler as I was folding the top and bottom ends, creasing when the fold was the right measurement.

Without turning, cut tabs along the 3 creases at the top and bottom ends, as far as the crossways folds.

Cut out doors, windows and chimneys if you want, on either of the long sides. Decorate your house when it's flat too.
When you're happy, stick the tabs that form the roof nice and snug with glue or sticky tape then the walls..

...checking it sits properly as you do it.

We had a Richard Scarry moment and drew rooms on the back as well.

From houses to shops....and before we knew it, a small village!

Day 355 - Kabul calling

Sometimes when I'm babbling away on the phone to my husband about the kids, bills, or the retired vicar popping by when I was in my pyjamas; it's very easy to forget he's far away, doing what he's doing. I've seen the odd photo, but I can't really picture where he is, or imagine what his days are like. The gulf between his world and mine is so vast. The more I think about it, the bigger the gulf gets. I know my husband works seven days a week, that his job takes up every waking minute, and I'm often amazed by how he seems to able to switch out of all of that on the phone to me.  I couldn't do it.

Over the year he's managed to phone home every two or three days, which is pretty good. Much better than the last 6 month tour 3 years ago, when calls were erratic. I remember not hearing from him for 10 days during the toughest, darkest part of that tour. Afghanistan dominated the news then, fighting was intense and there was so much sadness. It was the longest 10 days of my life.

It's been very different this time - he's not on the frontline and I haven't worried as much between calls. But I never ask when he's going out. I'd rather not know.

Our phone chats haven't always gone smoothly though - he has a  knack of ringing at a really bad moment - when I'm trying to get the kids to do their homework, eat, or I'm just about to head out the door. There's never a perfect time is there.

I always feel guilty after one of these distracted calls, and I can't ring him back - I have to wait for him to ring me, or email him to call home. We rarely talk at night because Afghanistan is a few hours ahead. If he wants to catch up with the kids, it tends to be breakfast time, which is bedlam, or early teatime/bathtime (even worse!) Weekends are usually best.

I know the kids have missed their dad desperately and are so excited about him coming home - but they can be totally useless on the phone, especially if there's something else going on. He's pretty realistic about this, but it must be hard.

That's why once in a while I've asked the kids to write or make things to send to him. The eldest usually writes a letter, the youngest draws a picture and the one in the middle does a bit of both.

I often get a lump in my throat when the kids show me what they've done. So heartfelt, loving and honest. And I know getting messages like this have meant the world to their dad over the last 12 months.

Day 352 - Mobile memories

We're very nearly there. My husband's home this month! THIS MONTH! Can't tell you how great it feels to write that. I'd almost do a jig if I wasn't so blinking tired...just a few more weeks...

The last bit is tough though - time starts crawling by - still, I've allowed the final countdown to begin in my head, and I'm on a kind of manic mission to get the house sorted and things finished before he's back. This usually happens, and as I've already said it's completely bonkers, because he's not going to be remotely bothered about how the house looks. He just wants to be home. But I think it helps me somehow.

Not everything has gone to plan. I won't be meeting him at the door, wrapped in a crocheted blanket of many colours, as I'd optimistically thought way back when, before granny squares got the better of me.  According to my little counter I've almost enough for a blanket, but sewing them together could take another year...

During a kitchen drawer clear out (because he's really going to be looking through the drawers..) I found a box of fish. They're made from copper wire someone gave me a while ago. I bent it with pliers into a simple shape, then threaded beads and shells onto very thin wire, and wrapped this around each one.

I've always had a thing about fish. Not exactly sure why, but there's something comforting about them.  I have shoals of all shapes and sizes, on curtains, cushions, pictures, tiles - you could easily play spot the fish in any room here.
Over the years I've worked them into many things I've made too, and that's really what I'm getting at in a roundabout way. The last time my husband was on tour in Afghanistan I made a large mosaic fish mirror, and it is important to me - packed with memories and emotion. Making something out of the wire fish is similar really. A reminder of the year - the ups and downs, but I hope mostly the positive things that have come out of these 12 months on my own.

I knew I had a bag of lovely bleached, smooth pieces of driftwood gathered on a beach trip, so a mobile seemed like a good option.

Getting the balance right was tricky, but attaching it to a hanger on a curtain pole meant I could fiddle about with the dangling fish, and get them hanging properly.
Now they're swimming around in the bathroom, and mobiles have been added to my list of things that are seriously hard to photograph..

Will he notice? Maybe not. 

But it'll always mean something to me.

Silent Sunday - 4/11/12

Leaf Art and a handy gift idea

The leaves are falling fast, but there's still a rainbow of autumn colours out there - so, plenty to collect. As well as reds, russets and yellows, the kids gathered up lots of different shapes and sizes for this little project - just make sure the leaves heading home aren't too curly or mouldy!

I did some flower pressing with the children in the summer - the youngest loved it and we made a card for Grandad. This time I thought we'd have a go at bookmarks, inspired by some fantastic leaf art in The Big Ideas Book. One top tip is to press the leaves (once they're dry) in an old phone book - very quick and easy, but be careful when you're moving it about because it's floppy, and you don't want them all dropping out...speaking from experience...

Weigh it down with something heavy, and leave for about a week.

When you're ready, hold the phone book over some newspaper, flick through, letting the leaves fall. Now the fun starts! I cut out bookmarks from some white card - ours were 5cm by 15cm, but you could draw around one you have, or make them any shape you like.
The kids are always impatient to start sticking, but best to get them to lay out the leaf pattern they want on the card first.

Lots of different shapes, colours and sizes means you can really get creative. Flowers and fish are easy to do - we cut a V into a leaf for the fish tail and a frilly, delicate one made a good underwater plant. And don't you think ferns would work well for christmas trees?

To finish off, the kids wrote a message on the other side, before the bookmarks were covered in clear sticky back plastic.

Make sure you cut enough from the sheet to go over both sides + a bit more. Pull half the back off the plastic, and put the leaf picture down on the sticky side, then fold the covering tight against the edge of the card and slowly, carefully remove the rest of the backing paper, smoothing down as you go. I did this for the kids, and kept an eye on them as they cut off the extra bits and neatened them up.

The bookmarks didn't take long to make and they're going to make great Christmas presents.

We've kept ours quite simple but if you want to jazz them up, you can draw a border round the edge of the bookmark or add a tassel or ribbon at the bottom.
I layered leaves for this butterfly picture, and stalks make perfect antenna. So many possibilities!

Next time paper houses.

Linking up with Country Kids at Coombe Mill and For the Kids Friday - LOADS of fun ideas to keep your little ones busy..