Saturday, 18 July 2015
Here we go again
The run up to him going away is always hard, but this time, as well as the usual mix of emotions, I felt angry. Angry we have to go through this again; angry there was nothing I could do about it. Maybe because I honestly thought we'd never have to face another Tour; or because I see the school holidays stretching out before me. Maybe because I've reached my limit.
So I shouted and yelled a bit - got the anger out, and he listened, on the whole quietly, which was wise. But even when I was in full rage I knew what a waste of time it was, and though I don't admit it freely, I understand why he's going; understand his sense of duty.
The anger covered up something else as well: fear. Not just for him, but fear I won't be able to cope this time; fear I'll lose the plot. We've done this such a lot, and yet that doesn't always make the thought of doing it again any easier. I'm finding with age comes anxiety - I worry so much more about everything. I've even been worrying about being worried. I miss the old me - the one who seemed to take most things in her stride.
Then, when he left, along with the sadness came a strange sense of calm. I could feel the extra weight on my shoulders, but it felt familiar; and it felt okay. A little of the old me still there.
It's early on, and I know it'll get tough sometimes and there'll be wobbles - the worries are just quieter at the moment; but now we're on our way I do actually feel better and stronger.
Now we can start ticking off the days.