Saturday, 18 July 2015

Here we go again



The run up to him going away is always hard, but this time, as well as the usual mix of emotions, I felt angry. Angry we have to go through this again; angry there was nothing I could do about it. Maybe because I honestly thought we'd never have to face another Tour; or because I see the school holidays stretching out before me. Maybe because I've reached my limit.

So I shouted and yelled a bit - got the anger out, and he listened, on the whole quietly, which was wise. But even when I was in full rage I knew what a waste of time it was, and though I don't admit it freely, I understand why he's going; understand his sense of duty.

The anger covered up something else as well: fear. Not just for him, but fear I won't be able to cope this time; fear I'll lose the plot. We've done this such a lot, and yet that doesn't always make the thought of doing it again any easier. I'm finding with age comes anxiety - I worry so much more about everything. I've even been worrying about being worried. I miss the old me - the one who seemed to take most things in her stride.

Then, when he left, along with the sadness came a strange sense of calm. I could feel the extra weight on my shoulders, but it felt familiar; and it felt okay. A little of the old me still there.

It's early on, and I know it'll get tough sometimes and there'll be wobbles - the worries are just quieter at the moment; but now we're on our way I do actually feel better and stronger.
Now we can start ticking off the days.

8 comments:

  1. I think it is completely understandable that in your circumstances, you would feel like this Tracey. I'm sure thousands of forces wives would empathize with you. It sounds as if you cope amazingly well...thinking of the forthcoming holiday as one example. Give yourself a pat on the back, I hope your anxieties will ease for a while. Xx

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    1. Thanks Fiona, don't often write about how I feel, but seems too big a deal not to mention. Soon be into the swing of it xx

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  2. This is something I have never had to go through so cannot imagine the worry or stress you must be feeling. I'm not sure what to say except that your blog is your space to say what you want and if you need to spill your worries out then do just that. I am so grateful that there are men like your husband who are willing to defend us and women like you that support them. Thank you.

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    1. Thanks Catherine for your lovely comment, I'm really touched x

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  3. Well done on a) getting off your chest (it has to be done sometimes), and b) discovering the old coping you, which wiill grow I’m sure.

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    1. Hope so... a bit up and down at the moment, but early days! Thank you Marilyn.

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  4. I can't even imagine what this must be like - it must be the most unsettling feeling, his coming and going. Glad the little of the old you is still there and you are able to cope okay. How long is he away for this time? X

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    1. 9 months. A long time, but a bit shorter than the last one.... not that that helps much! At least we've got a few weeks under our belt now x

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