Saturday, 17 November 2012

Day 363 - Farewell for now...

I've been feeling all over the place this past week - tired, excited, sensitive, impatient, relieved - a familiar old cocktail, as the final days of the Tour tick by. It really doesn't take much to set me off either - Remembrance Day was a given, I blubbed through bits of Children in Need, but it can be anything as random as a late-night documentary about the Bee Gees...yeah, it's a Tragedy, I have no emotional filter at the moment. I've also eaten my own bodyweight in chocolate.

My tolerence level has tailed off too, though that's been happening for a while, slowly eroded through the year. I have joked (half serious) that if anything was going to tip me over the edge, it wouldn't be major, but something pathetically trivial, like a hand towel, or clothes on the floor, or not shutting a door... As mad as that sounds it's the drip, drip effect of living with three little people who know exactly how to do all the things I ask them to do EVERY DAY - but simply choose not to bother. Crushing frustration would have done for me in the end!

But here I am on day 363 - can you believe it? Honestly I can't sometimes. When I look back at my day one post I remember so clearly how I felt - the heaviness, the feeling of responsibility, the loneliness, the worry. And my heart goes out to the wife who's husband takes over from mine, and all the families waiting for their loved ones to come home from Afghanistan.

As much as I'm longing for him to be back, it's a little daunting too. I've been running the show for 12 months and though I'm desperate to share the load, it's harder to let go than you might think.  I want more than anything for it to be perfect when he gets home, but know from experience I can be a little prickly... Emotions are close to the surface - all it takes is an innocent comment about the kids table manners or tv habits or something like that, and out it tumbles. I can take stuff the wrong way - as a criticism of how I've been doing things.  I'm writing this down in the hope I'll remember and stop myself over-reacting, because I know, just as I'm proud of him, he also has enormous respect for what I've been through.
Life is not on an even keel for either of us. And I have to bear in mind how hard it is for him coming back into my space and being a dad again. It will take time for us both to find our level and work as a team. I know that.

And then there's blogging. I hadn't a clue what I was doing at the beginning - like many things in my life I started with loads of enthusiasm and not a great deal of knowledge. I didn't tell a soul about it for a few months. I thought I'd blog about how I was feeling, and I do sometimes, but on the whole I write about other things now, other interests, because that's what I want to do, and I've actually found this distracts me from thinking about how I'm feeling. It's stopped me dwelling so much.

Through the ups and downs blogging has given me a focus. Something that's mine. There have been times, very late at night when I've wondered what on earth I'm doing, but then I sit back and remind myself of the things I have achieved this year.  Like the art exhibition and selling some paintings for the first time; writing again and enjoying it; getting my 2 minute silence poem on the Forces Poetry website; rediscovering my love of crafting and discovering a new love for photography. These are all really positive things, things that wouldn't have happened without the blog. And getting one of my crafty posts featured on Mumsnet recently was the icing on the cake.

But the best bit has been you. Thanks so much for stopping by. And it does make me feel a little emotional writing this, because I had no idea how much the social side of blogging would mean to me 12 months ago. I remember reading posts about 'spreading the blogging love' when I first started and thinking, WHAT?? But I get it now, comments do make the blogosphere go round.  I have met some wonderful, talented people this year, and I am so grateful to them for their support and friendship. They've helped me through a few dips along the way, and I just want to say the biggest, most heartfelt THANK YOU. I am so glad our paths have crossed.
Told you I'm a mushy old fool at the moment!

I'm going to take a break from blogging while we get back into the swing of family life. And if I keep going I'll also have to come up with a new name, because I won't be Single Married Mum anymore.

So, farewell for now, take care, and hope to see you soon xxx

22 comments:

  1. Enjoy! Have a fantastic first day back together today, and I am looking forward to hearing your "new name" soon enough! :D

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    1. Thanks Emma, sounds like we might have quite a wait before he's home - could be a long day! Hoping for a flash of inspiration on the name front :)

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    2. Well I have a tear in my eye too! It has been a real privilege to read your blog and see your pictures of little sticky hands doing the latest crafty creations and see your lovely photos. It has been a long year and one that I have felt you have allowed us to be a part of. It has been a reminder of how those serving on the front line could not do their jobs with the confidnece and peace of mind they have, without the likes of you and those like you, looking after the troops at home and keeping them safe. Its been a long tour of duty for you both.
      I shall miss seeing your jumble sale/ flea market finds and seeing the next craft project...having said that it has given me pangs of motherly guilt too! You have written with such warmth and humour and I know, I must speak for many of us when I say...don't be away too long.x

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    3. That's so lovely of you! Thank you, I'm truly touched. So glad you've enjoyed reading SMM. Think it will probably feel a bit strange not tapping away on my laptop late at night, it's been a big part of this year x

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  2. Just wanted to say that I've enjoyed reading this blog, enjoy your time back together and I hope to read you again soon (make sure you pop a post here with the new name!).

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    1. Will do and thank you :) Always enjoy catching up with you too x

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  3. Am hoping that by now he is home. Thinking of you all, and while I'll miss 'Single Married Mum', I'm looking forward to your new incarnation. xxxxx

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    1. Thanks so much R. ..Still waiting....it has been a long day, but I have made a lovely coffee and walnut cake! :)xxx

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    2. oh goodness - a VERY long day. Still, cake is good.

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    3. dragging now...probably shouldn't have started eating the cake...

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  4. I hope the wait and then the settling in period isn't too long for you. Enjoy rediscovering life as a family again. xxxx

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    1. Thank you Ginger :) Thinking of you too xxx

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  5. You take as long a break from blogging as you need - we'll be here when you're ready to return x

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  6. Enjoy your time back together as a family. Only just come to your blog but will be watching out on Mumsnet to see if and when you resurface!

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    1. Thanks Madeleine - fantastic to have him home!!

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  7. I am SO impressed how you've coped during your man's absence. You've been an inspiration both in `getting on with it` and your craft creations. I'm going to miss you and your blogging, but you just go and get on with living your family life to the full, and enjoy having your boy home safely, at last. You all deserve a lot of happiness ! x

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    1. Thank you for your lovely comment! Wonderful to be together again - so great sitting back and watching the kids with their dad x

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  8. I will so miss your blog but completely understand you have to get back in to the swing of a new way of life again and will need time.
    You are an amazing lady and you've been a very good friend to me.
    Your blog has always made me smile. I hope you do return to blogging at some point and I hope you all enjoy some much missed time together.
    Take care, much love, Jo xxx

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    1. Thank you my lovely! You're a dear friend too and it's been such a pleasure getting to know you this year. Definite blogging highlight :) I've learnt a lot from you, I truly have.
      Thanks so much for all your encouragement and support, Tracey xxx

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  9. Only just found your blog and have so enjoyed reading through some of your posts. Hope you're having a lovely time with your husband back, and do start writing again sometime, would love to read more.

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    1. Thanks so much Caroline for your lovely comment - gave me such a boost this morning! It's funny how quickly you can get out of the way of blogging. I was writing posts 3+ times a week for a whole year - now a few weeks out of the loop and getting my head round starting again is harder than I expected. But I am writing at the moment, and hope to post later today!

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